Feel free to prod, study and probe (with discretion and a safe word, of course). I know you gotta get something out of the deal. I don’t mind answering questions, submitting bodily samples (within reason), or even being subjected to a little torture in the name of behavioral study. I’m not a sadist—and would prefer to just hang out and bond, maybe share some stories, tell a few jokes—but I understand the call of science. I’m sure you gotta obtain some data in order to justify the expense of an abduction. I only ask that you keep the torture and experimentation to a non-lethal level. After my visit (vacation), I'd like to return to earth someday. Whatever you do, please don’t lock me in a small box with Cher to study human behavioral activity. If by chance, that happens to be on the abduction agenda, well, unfortunately, that would be a deal breaker for me.
In closing, Mr. orbiting Alien, if you happen to be listening, I would be honored if you’d consider me for your abduction program. Keep in mind, I’m a scientist, relatively fit, a writer, and have plenty of life experience to share with you or download into your mind melder. I think I’d be the perfect candidate. And, like I said, I could really use a break from this place right now. Hope to hear from you soon.
Oh, BTW, can you have me back by Christmas?