Should any aliens be observing this planet, and you happen
to pick up on this digital smoke signal, please feel free to abduct me.I mean it; really, I’ve had some tough times
lately, and could use the break from reality.And don’t worry, I won’t resist or try and put your picture up on
Facebook.I promise.I’ll be a good little specimen.
Feel free to prod, study and probe (with discretion and a
safe word, of course).I know you gotta
get something out of the deal.I don’t
mind answering questions, submitting bodily samples (within reason), or even being
subjected to a little torture in the name of behavioral study.I’m not a sadist—and would prefer to just
hang out and bond, maybe share some stories, tell a few jokes—but I understand
the call of science. I’m sure you gotta obtain some data in order to justify
the expense of an abduction.I only ask
that you keep the torture and experimentation to a non-lethal level.After my visit (vacation), I'd like to
return to earth someday. Whatever you do, please don’t lock me in a small box
with Cher to study human behavioral activity.If by chance, that happens to be on the abduction agenda, well,
unfortunately, that would be a deal breaker for me.
In closing, Mr. orbiting Alien, if you happen to be
listening, I would be honored if you’d consider me for your abduction
program.Keep in mind, I’m a scientist,
relatively fit, a writer, and have plenty of life experience to share with you
or download into your mind melder. I think I’d be the perfect candidate.And, like I said, I could really use a break
from this place right now.Hope to hear
from you soon.
They say that if you sit an infinite number of chimps behind and infinite number of typewriters, and allow them to peck away for an infinite spell, one will eventually, by mere statistical inevitability, pen a great novel.
Welcome to the blog of primate number 15,060,803,021 of that study.